conflict – David Gould Mediation and Conflict Coaching

Turning Conflict Into Opportunity

Jul 15, 2022 | All Posts

Reading Time: 4 minutes

Conflict is inevitable and everywhere. Turning it into an opportunity is not as hard as you might think.

Imagine the final moments of a championship minor hockey game. The kids have played their hearts out and are locked in a tie game. The stands are filled with cheering family and friends. The referee misses a close call at the blueline and one team scores to win the game. Instantly half the stands are outraged, and half are ecstatic. If you were to meet with parents from each team the next day you would hear two very different stories of what happened and what they made it mean.

We can consider a number of conclusions about the nature of conflict from this simple example:

First – Conflict exists in our stories of the past about what happened to us and what we made it mean. When our stories are fundamentally different than someone else`s conflict is often the result.

Second – Conflict occurs when someone does something or fails to do something that blocks our access to what’s important to us. We think it shouldn’t be this way and so we react.

Third – When an event triggers a negative emotion such as anger, fear or frustration we can get trapped in our conflict stories. Our very identity can feel at risk and we focus on fault and blame, on who is right or wrong.

Fourth – We support our stories of conflict when we share them and their meanings with others in order to get them on our side. When we involve a lawyer, we expect them to champion our story.

We are always going to have different stories and different meanings because:

We have different backgrounds and life experiences.
We have different values and beliefs.
We have different information.
We interpret and judge differently.
We have different interests and needs.

How to Get ahead and Stay Ahead of Conflict

The way we manage our conflicts has a tremendous impact on our success and satisfaction in life. When left unchecked conflict has the potential to deplete our time, energy and money. It can quickly sever relationships and erode our confidence in our future.

For more than 30 years I have helped people and organizations resolve conflicts as a mediator, facilitator and arbitrator. Most of that work occurred in the late stages of the conflict after much of the damage had been done.

I have shifted my focus from late resolution to early intervention to empower people to get ahead and stay ahead of conflict.

The Resolution Formula

Resolution occurs when we shift our focus away from fault and blame about what happened and how we were impacted, to the future and what we can do about it. This involves sharing our emotions and our meanings fully. The aim here is for understanding rather than a debate about right and wrong.

Based on this shared understanding we can co-create options for resolution that work for both parties’ interests and needs.

The Eight to Get Ahead and Stay Ahead of Conflict:

First – Recognize and accept that you have a potential conflict as early as possible. Step out of your story and look at it objectively

Second – Acknowledge your emotions but do not let them control you.

Third – Explore your own story to separate what happened—the facts—from what you made it mean— your judgements, assumptions and interpretations.

Forth – Based on your objective self-analysis make your best guess as to how the other parties see the facts and what they make those facts mean. Put yourself in their shoes and unpack their story for facts and meaning.

Fifth – Consider what needs to be done with the other side to confirm the facts for both parties. Agreeing on the facts or on a plan to establish the facts is the basis for resolution.

Sixth – Based on your newfound clarity about both stories, identify the interests, needs and concerns that are most important for each party. Those interests and needs are the building blocks of your options for the future.

Seventh – Reach out to the other party and invite them to engage with you in a dialogue about a future resolution. Share what you have done to prepare and why.

Eighth – Meet with the intention to have a dialogue about the future rather than a debate about the ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ of the past.

Get Help

You do not have to deal with conflict alone. Family and friends may help you stay objective and focused on resolution. Advice from your professional advisors such as accountants, estate and financial planners and business coaches may be very useful in keeping you on track towards future possibilities rather than focused on past grievances. Depending on the nature of your conflict, lawyers, mediators, or conflict coaches can be retained. Just remember, earlier is always better.

Following these eight steps will empower you to resolve and minimize your conflicts. For more information about these steps or for other assistance with conflict management please contact us at :

[email protected]

403-801-0234

Below are some of the services we offer:

Conflict Management Coaching.
Custom Designed Dispute Resolution Processes.
Neutral 3rd Party Mediation and Facilitation,
Workshops and Training Programs.

Resolution in a Persistently Adversarial World

Jul 13, 2022 | All Posts

Reading Time: 2 minutes

There are many new problems we must face in our rapidly changing world. However, at the heart of all them is one thing: conflict.

The Cause of Conflict

Before we deal with a challenge, we need to understand it. All conflict exists in our stories of the past about what happened to us and what we made it mean.

When we bring that story—with its emotionally charged meanings into the present moment and enroll others in our saga of fault and blame we become trapped in conflict. The damage escalates when we project our conflict stories into the future and live into them. Communications breakdown and become accusatory. Long standing relationships become toxic. Hopelessness looms and “war” feels inevitable.

These beliefs about right and wrong are closely tied to our identity and values. When we feel that those are threatened, we enroll allies and eventually lawyers to validate our position and weaken our opponent’s. We become invested in our stories, viewing them as the best and often the only way to get our interests and needs met.

Escaping from the Trap Of Conflict

The 12th century Sufi mystic, Jalal al-din Muhammad Rumi, provided some wisdom about how to break free of this trap. He wrote: “Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
In order to find Rumi’s field, it is necessary to step back from your own story and separate what actually happened, the facts, from what you made those facts mean, your judgements, interpretations, and assumptions. You can also make your best guess as to how the other party sees the facts and what they made them mean. When you do this well, you will create a whole new range of possible options for resolution. You will likely find that much of the conflict is in the meanings.

You can get help from family and friends. Advice from your professional advisors such as accountants, estate and financial planners and business coaches may be very useful in keeping you on track towards future possibilities rather than focused on past grievances. Remember you want their objective insights not simply for them to buy into your story.

When we align our thinking with Rumi’s field, our conflicts not longer appear insurmountable, but instead as a mere hurdle to overcome. When we manage our conflicts effectively and efficiently life simply works better.

[email protected]

403-801-0234

Engaging In Interest Based Negotiations

Apr 21, 2021 | All Posts

Reading Time: 2 minutes

This the 6th part in a series of blogs designed to help you prepare for your own negotiations. Find the first blog here.

“It’s great that I’m well prepared and I understand what’s really important, but they don’t. How do I get them to the table and to play fair?”

This is certainly an understandable question. Unfortunately, if it’s left unanswered it prevents or delays parties from meeting for a negotiation. They are trapped in conflict.

Invite

Reach out to the other party with an invitation to engage in an interest-based negotiation. Share with them what you have done to prepare and why. Tell them how you unpacked your own story about the conflict and share some of your own interests. Let them know what insights you had about what is important to them. Share some of the issues you think you both need to address in your negotiation.

Make it clear that your intention is to have a dialogue about a fair resolution that works for both sides and not a debate about who was right or wrong.

Confirm your commitment to listen to what they have to say so you can better understand what’s important to them. Remember they have an emotional attachment to their story just like you. Be patient and stay focused on your intention—a resolution. You are not there to be right and make them wrong, you are setting the stage for an interest-based negotiation.

Engage

When you get to the table reconfirm your intentions for your invitation and for your work together. Affirm your desire to listen to them and ask them to share with you their issues and concerns. When possible, let them know what you have heard and understood by reflecting it back to them. They will correct you if you have missed the mark.

Remember this is a dialogue not a debate. It’s about both sides getting clarity about the facts and meanings and working together to create options for future resolution that meet both sides interests and needs.

When someone in a conflict feels they have been heard and understood they are much more likely to listen without their emotions being triggered.

In my next blog I will explore where you can get help for your negotiations.

For more information about these Steps or assistance with difficult negotiations contact:
[email protected]

403-801-0234

Clarifying Interests and Needs

Apr 6, 2021 | All Posts

Reading Time: 2 minutes

This the 5th part in a series of blogs designed to help you prepare for your own negotiations. Find the first blog here.

You have done your homework and unpacked the stories. Now you can compare the stories to identify the real areas of conflict. Challenge your assumptions about their intentions and your own.

Focus on the facts and consider what you can do on your own and perhaps in collaboration with them to confirm the facts prior to negotiating. For example, if property value is an issue get an appraisal.

I mediated a conflict between a lakeside community and an Oil and Gas firm that in part involved the landowner’s belief that the company’s seismic activity caused a fish die off. As part of our preparation Alberta Environment was consulted and was able to prove that the fish die off occurred before the Seismic activity.

Now consider what is most important for each side. These interests and needs are the cornerstones of your options for resolution.

You can look at your own positions and clarify what interests and needs of yours are being met by your positions. You can make your best guess as to their positions and their underlying interests and needs. Think about some options for the future that might meet the goals of both sides.

We all negotiate to see our interests and needs met and we are most likely to be successful when the other side also gets their interests and needs met. You are now well prepared to explore options that meet everyone’s interests rather than debate the merits of opposing positions.

In my next blog I explore how to get the other party to the negotiation table and what to do when you get there.

For more information about these Steps or assistance with difficult negotiations contact: [email protected]

403-801-0234

Unpacking Your Story

Mar 3, 2021 | All Posts

Reading Time: 2 minutes

This the 4th part in a series of blogs designed to help you prepare for your own negotiations. Find the first blog here.

In preparing for your negotiation, you have decided to explore your own role in the impending story of conflict. This work takes courage and discipline. It means you acknowledge your emotions but you do not let them control you. This begins by unpacking your own story.

Take a blank sheet of paper with a line down the middle.

On the left side of the page write down all the facts as they occurred and as objectively as possible. This is just the confirmed facts, just what actually happened. On the right side of the page write down what you made those facts mean. These are your judgements, assumption, and interpretations.

Work hard at this and make it as complete and accurate as possible. Get help with this if you need it.

Next take another sheet of paper with a line down the middle.

On the left side of the page make your best guess as to how you think the other side in your conflict sees the facts. Based on their reactions to date what do they think happened? On the right side of the page make your best guess as to what their meanings might be—their own judgements, assumptions and interpretations.

Again, if you have someone who is knowledgeable about both stories and objective, they can be extremely helpful in this process.

As you study these pages you will begin to see the factual disputes that need to be addressed. I think you will also notice that much of your conflict exists on the meaning side. This is a simple tool with a tremendous impact on your preparation for your negotiation.

In my next blog I will discuss how to compare and clarify your findings to identify what really matters. For more information about the design of your mediation please contact us at:
[email protected]

403-801-0234