mediation – David Gould Mediation and Conflict Coaching

Resolution in a Persistently Adversarial World

Jul 13, 2022 | All Posts

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There are many new problems we must face in our rapidly changing world. However, at the heart of all them is one thing: conflict.

The Cause of Conflict

Before we deal with a challenge, we need to understand it. All conflict exists in our stories of the past about what happened to us and what we made it mean.

When we bring that story—with its emotionally charged meanings into the present moment and enroll others in our saga of fault and blame we become trapped in conflict. The damage escalates when we project our conflict stories into the future and live into them. Communications breakdown and become accusatory. Long standing relationships become toxic. Hopelessness looms and “war” feels inevitable.

These beliefs about right and wrong are closely tied to our identity and values. When we feel that those are threatened, we enroll allies and eventually lawyers to validate our position and weaken our opponent’s. We become invested in our stories, viewing them as the best and often the only way to get our interests and needs met.

Escaping from the Trap Of Conflict

The 12th century Sufi mystic, Jalal al-din Muhammad Rumi, provided some wisdom about how to break free of this trap. He wrote: “Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
In order to find Rumi’s field, it is necessary to step back from your own story and separate what actually happened, the facts, from what you made those facts mean, your judgements, interpretations, and assumptions. You can also make your best guess as to how the other party sees the facts and what they made them mean. When you do this well, you will create a whole new range of possible options for resolution. You will likely find that much of the conflict is in the meanings.

You can get help from family and friends. Advice from your professional advisors such as accountants, estate and financial planners and business coaches may be very useful in keeping you on track towards future possibilities rather than focused on past grievances. Remember you want their objective insights not simply for them to buy into your story.

When we align our thinking with Rumi’s field, our conflicts not longer appear insurmountable, but instead as a mere hurdle to overcome. When we manage our conflicts effectively and efficiently life simply works better.

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Engaging In Interest Based Negotiations

Apr 21, 2021 | All Posts

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This the 6th part in a series of blogs designed to help you prepare for your own negotiations. Find the first blog here.

“It’s great that I’m well prepared and I understand what’s really important, but they don’t. How do I get them to the table and to play fair?”

This is certainly an understandable question. Unfortunately, if it’s left unanswered it prevents or delays parties from meeting for a negotiation. They are trapped in conflict.

Invite

Reach out to the other party with an invitation to engage in an interest-based negotiation. Share with them what you have done to prepare and why. Tell them how you unpacked your own story about the conflict and share some of your own interests. Let them know what insights you had about what is important to them. Share some of the issues you think you both need to address in your negotiation.

Make it clear that your intention is to have a dialogue about a fair resolution that works for both sides and not a debate about who was right or wrong.

Confirm your commitment to listen to what they have to say so you can better understand what’s important to them. Remember they have an emotional attachment to their story just like you. Be patient and stay focused on your intention—a resolution. You are not there to be right and make them wrong, you are setting the stage for an interest-based negotiation.

Engage

When you get to the table reconfirm your intentions for your invitation and for your work together. Affirm your desire to listen to them and ask them to share with you their issues and concerns. When possible, let them know what you have heard and understood by reflecting it back to them. They will correct you if you have missed the mark.

Remember this is a dialogue not a debate. It’s about both sides getting clarity about the facts and meanings and working together to create options for future resolution that meet both sides interests and needs.

When someone in a conflict feels they have been heard and understood they are much more likely to listen without their emotions being triggered.

In my next blog I will explore where you can get help for your negotiations.

For more information about these Steps or assistance with difficult negotiations contact:
[email protected]

403-801-0234

Clarifying Interests and Needs

Apr 6, 2021 | All Posts

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This the 5th part in a series of blogs designed to help you prepare for your own negotiations. Find the first blog here.

You have done your homework and unpacked the stories. Now you can compare the stories to identify the real areas of conflict. Challenge your assumptions about their intentions and your own.

Focus on the facts and consider what you can do on your own and perhaps in collaboration with them to confirm the facts prior to negotiating. For example, if property value is an issue get an appraisal.

I mediated a conflict between a lakeside community and an Oil and Gas firm that in part involved the landowner’s belief that the company’s seismic activity caused a fish die off. As part of our preparation Alberta Environment was consulted and was able to prove that the fish die off occurred before the Seismic activity.

Now consider what is most important for each side. These interests and needs are the cornerstones of your options for resolution.

You can look at your own positions and clarify what interests and needs of yours are being met by your positions. You can make your best guess as to their positions and their underlying interests and needs. Think about some options for the future that might meet the goals of both sides.

We all negotiate to see our interests and needs met and we are most likely to be successful when the other side also gets their interests and needs met. You are now well prepared to explore options that meet everyone’s interests rather than debate the merits of opposing positions.

In my next blog I explore how to get the other party to the negotiation table and what to do when you get there.

For more information about these Steps or assistance with difficult negotiations contact: [email protected]

403-801-0234

Unpacking Your Story

Mar 3, 2021 | All Posts

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This the 4th part in a series of blogs designed to help you prepare for your own negotiations. Find the first blog here.

In preparing for your negotiation, you have decided to explore your own role in the impending story of conflict. This work takes courage and discipline. It means you acknowledge your emotions but you do not let them control you. This begins by unpacking your own story.

Take a blank sheet of paper with a line down the middle.

On the left side of the page write down all the facts as they occurred and as objectively as possible. This is just the confirmed facts, just what actually happened. On the right side of the page write down what you made those facts mean. These are your judgements, assumption, and interpretations.

Work hard at this and make it as complete and accurate as possible. Get help with this if you need it.

Next take another sheet of paper with a line down the middle.

On the left side of the page make your best guess as to how you think the other side in your conflict sees the facts. Based on their reactions to date what do they think happened? On the right side of the page make your best guess as to what their meanings might be—their own judgements, assumptions and interpretations.

Again, if you have someone who is knowledgeable about both stories and objective, they can be extremely helpful in this process.

As you study these pages you will begin to see the factual disputes that need to be addressed. I think you will also notice that much of your conflict exists on the meaning side. This is a simple tool with a tremendous impact on your preparation for your negotiation.

In my next blog I will discuss how to compare and clarify your findings to identify what really matters. For more information about the design of your mediation please contact us at:
[email protected]

403-801-0234

Preparing for Negotiations

Feb 8, 2021 | All Posts

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For over 30 years I helped people resolve conflicts as a mediator and arbitrator. Unfortunately, many of these interventions occurred late in the conflict after much of the damage had been done. I saw families and friendships torn apart, business go bankrupt and fortunes spent on litigation.

We are always going to have difficult negotiations. If not handled properly they can lead to a full-blown conflict. There is no way to avoid negotiations and conflicts entirely. They are an inevitable part of a full, rich life, but if I can give one piece of advice it is to plan and prepare for your negotiations early before they spiral out of control and consume time, money and energy.

The first thing you need to do is recognize that you have a potential conflict brewing as early as possible. A telltale sign is when someone does something or fails to do something that blocks your access to what really matters to you. When feelings of anger, frustration, or betrayal trigger thoughts of fault and blame the story you tell yourself and those around you traps you in conflict.

At this early stage you must also be willing to look at your own story objectively and consider your own part in creating the conflict. You can certainly get help from your family and friends but remember you want their objective observations and support for your preparation. You DO NOT want them to buy in to your “poor me” story of fault and blame.

In my next blog I will share a great tool for un-packing conflict stories.

For more information about preparing for negotiation please contact us at:
[email protected]

403-801-0234